The need to be accepted/loved comes third in the Maslow hierarchy, but given that these days in the developed/developing world at least people don't have problems with levels 1 and 2, we can safely assume the need for acceptance is also basic.
There would be no arguments on this need itself, however, what struck me in recent days, is that people want to satisfy this particular need from one particular subset alone. For example, we want our peer group alone to think that we are cool. We want people whom we consider to be cooler than us to think that we are cool too. If people whom we consider to be less cool than us hold us in high esteem, it is of no concern to us. If a person is loved by a lot of people, but is not given attention by just one person they care about, this whole need of theirs goes unsatisfied! They are almost crippled emotionally. Spurned lovers, or people who have been on the other side of the "its not you, its me" should be able to readily relate to this.
In cases of skills/talents the selection of a sub group from which we seek acceptance or validation makes a lot of sense, and indeed a failure to do so should be considered foolishness even. However, when the subset selection is a bit more artificial or when it is from the heart and not the brain - it would do a world of good to consciously recognize that one has chosen to validate oneself from a sub selection of options they have. That they are indeed worthy of love and respect, and that other people continue to value them.
But, one can argue on the lines of ‘What if sometimes there is no choice about what to love? What if the temple comes to Mohammed? What if you just love? without deciding? You just do: you see her and in that instant are lost to sober account-keeping and cannot choose but to love?’ (David Foster Wallace). What if we don't get to choose who we think are cool? What if we want just that special someone to pay us attention or love us back?
I don't really have an answer, but I can continue the quote - ‘Then in such a case your temple is self and sentiment. Then in such an instance you are a fanatic of desire, a slave to your individual subjective narrow self’s sentiments; a citizen of nothing. You become a citizen of nothing. You are by yourself and alone, kneeling to yourself.’ (DFW)
I bet its harsh, but such is life. It goes on. 'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.' (Robert Frost). There's a new normal, you cannot get back the old normal, but there is a new normal. Check this. It is a failure of imagination to think that there is only one special someone who can or needs to love/accept/validate you. So move on, there's a world out there.
There would be no arguments on this need itself, however, what struck me in recent days, is that people want to satisfy this particular need from one particular subset alone. For example, we want our peer group alone to think that we are cool. We want people whom we consider to be cooler than us to think that we are cool too. If people whom we consider to be less cool than us hold us in high esteem, it is of no concern to us. If a person is loved by a lot of people, but is not given attention by just one person they care about, this whole need of theirs goes unsatisfied! They are almost crippled emotionally. Spurned lovers, or people who have been on the other side of the "its not you, its me" should be able to readily relate to this.
In cases of skills/talents the selection of a sub group from which we seek acceptance or validation makes a lot of sense, and indeed a failure to do so should be considered foolishness even. However, when the subset selection is a bit more artificial or when it is from the heart and not the brain - it would do a world of good to consciously recognize that one has chosen to validate oneself from a sub selection of options they have. That they are indeed worthy of love and respect, and that other people continue to value them.
But, one can argue on the lines of ‘What if sometimes there is no choice about what to love? What if the temple comes to Mohammed? What if you just love? without deciding? You just do: you see her and in that instant are lost to sober account-keeping and cannot choose but to love?’ (David Foster Wallace). What if we don't get to choose who we think are cool? What if we want just that special someone to pay us attention or love us back?
I don't really have an answer, but I can continue the quote - ‘Then in such a case your temple is self and sentiment. Then in such an instance you are a fanatic of desire, a slave to your individual subjective narrow self’s sentiments; a citizen of nothing. You become a citizen of nothing. You are by yourself and alone, kneeling to yourself.’ (DFW)
I bet its harsh, but such is life. It goes on. 'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.' (Robert Frost). There's a new normal, you cannot get back the old normal, but there is a new normal. Check this. It is a failure of imagination to think that there is only one special someone who can or needs to love/accept/validate you. So move on, there's a world out there.
"Move on for there is nothing to stay back for, and the more you cling on , the more you are taken for granted"
ReplyDelete"Move on because there are other sources of validation and because one's validation of your intent and action must or should not be a dependency in life "
echoes rationalism
and deliberate appropriations and surrender to an old normal are only an indulgence of a fanatic and destructive to the effect of a loss of self respect the rational debates
Yet with all humility, the self debates uncertainty, and uncertainty, driving such indulgences and raving , refuses to disconnect from a treasured and loved past
Yes there is a derived hurt from such uncertainty but
Like David Foster Wallace said,
"That sometimes we have to just sit in one place and, like the hurt. That we then will become way less concerned with what other people think of us when we realize how seldom they do. "
there are times in our life that we’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings
and with random moments of arrogance in those times, we tend to assume a sense of "reciprocation" to be a granted
Why do we need a level of validation and reciprocity from only those we seek it from? despite scores of others who do reciprocate and validate our courtesies and existence?
Because we consider people we seek validation from, to be demi gods in our perception. What drives us to use such attribution?
the very things we love!
Yes, it is only when we see ourselves in another person, that we deem to think such attributions are necessary.
we are accustom to validating ourselves against the "norms" defined by others.
and when one silly individual or a group of people who appear/s or is a true mirror to ourselves, walk/s into our social circles, and get/s closely acquainted, that we begin to
seek approval about everything we do, because we know , we are tired of self approval and self validation and the other person, who is a mirror to our souls, becomes extremely "invaluable" .
An with all our sincerity and conscience, we tend to worship them.
Such attributions are hard to let go of. We begin to love everything be it the security such a friend offers, or the acceptance the person offers, or the profound levels of justice you attribute to your own actions, because of that acceptance
make it impossible to let go of such a friend or an acquaintance
and then there is denial!!!
a deep rooted denial that, such validations and reciprocation are "meant to be" and can not ever stop even in the face of an undeniable lack of it!!!
that when we actually realise, that there is a lack of reciprocation, and validation from our demi gods, is when it dents our very psyche!
and we pine and pine for a restoration of faith in the ones we worshipped for exchanges of validation
Moving on , is then never as simple as it used to be!!
Perhaps,
in the words of Friedrich Nietzche,
"The most fulfilling human growth appeared inseparable from a degree of torment, the sources of our greatest joys lying awkwardly close to those of our greatest pains…"
Such is the Osmosis reflected in lives - aptly put