A random conversation with a friend facing a dilemma, a little inspiration from "59 seconds: Think a little, Change a lot", and some awful lot of time....
This Valentine's day lets inject some science to the crazy world of love. My goal in this post is to give you a couple of simple, clear, and practical tips based on psychological studies I'm aware of. I've also linked to as many sources as possible, so read on, be enlightened ;)
Being a programmer, I have to start with how we generally approach the problem, but you may happily skip the next two paragraphs if you want to. We have the Stable Marriage Problem, and the fussy suitor problem. These are rightly well known - Shapely got a Noble prize in 2012 for the first one, and they have a lot of cool applications in other areas not related to love.
The secretary problem teaches us to never settle down quickly, keep looking it says, fix an upper limit, say, 27 dates. Date the first 10 (27/e = 10 approx) and no matter how good they are, break up with them. Evaluate them on whatever metric you want to and keep that scorecard handy. Now start dating whoever comes in your way, and settle down with the first person who comes in your way, they're pretty much the best you'll find.
The stable marriage problem teaches us to create a ranked list of people you want to be with. Start by proposing to the person ranked one. If rejected ask the next one. And remember never propose twice. Its in the algorithm, seriously!
And now on to what current psychology research tells us -
Psychological Fact 1 - We get used to good things - see Hedonic treadmill. TLDR - If there are any positive traits in a person, and you admire those qualities, after a few years you'll not be valuing those qualities anymore. So as far as your brain is concerned, the value of those qualities decreases over time.
Psychological Fact 2 - We never get used to pain. They become more painful over time. If there is anything that pisses you off today, boy, it'll drive you crazy tomorrow.
In other words, our goal should be to minimize pain more than maximizing good stuff, because after some time the good stuff doesn't matter much anyway. With this key idea in mind, lets take a look at some traits.
At the end of the day, as an old poet said,
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies,
When love is done.
- Francis_William_Bourdillon
This Valentine's day lets inject some science to the crazy world of love. My goal in this post is to give you a couple of simple, clear, and practical tips based on psychological studies I'm aware of. I've also linked to as many sources as possible, so read on, be enlightened ;)
Being a programmer, I have to start with how we generally approach the problem, but you may happily skip the next two paragraphs if you want to. We have the Stable Marriage Problem, and the fussy suitor problem. These are rightly well known - Shapely got a Noble prize in 2012 for the first one, and they have a lot of cool applications in other areas not related to love.
The secretary problem teaches us to never settle down quickly, keep looking it says, fix an upper limit, say, 27 dates. Date the first 10 (27/e = 10 approx) and no matter how good they are, break up with them. Evaluate them on whatever metric you want to and keep that scorecard handy. Now start dating whoever comes in your way, and settle down with the first person who comes in your way, they're pretty much the best you'll find.
The stable marriage problem teaches us to create a ranked list of people you want to be with. Start by proposing to the person ranked one. If rejected ask the next one. And remember never propose twice. Its in the algorithm, seriously!
And now on to what current psychology research tells us -
Psychological Fact 1 - We get used to good things - see Hedonic treadmill. TLDR - If there are any positive traits in a person, and you admire those qualities, after a few years you'll not be valuing those qualities anymore. So as far as your brain is concerned, the value of those qualities decreases over time.
Psychological Fact 2 - We never get used to pain. They become more painful over time. If there is anything that pisses you off today, boy, it'll drive you crazy tomorrow.
In other words, our goal should be to minimize pain more than maximizing good stuff, because after some time the good stuff doesn't matter much anyway. With this key idea in mind, lets take a look at some traits.
- Narcissism - If there is one thing you remember in this post, remember this, avoid narcissistic people. That's obvious, so, the real question is how do we find out whether someone is narcissistic or not? Thank facebook!
- Narcissistic people have more friends on facebook.
- Post updates more frequently.
- Change their profile pics often.
- They dress in a provocative way.
- Read http://www.immagic.com/eLibrary/ARCHIVES/GENERAL/JOURNALS/P110331D.pdf
- More readable source
- Smiles - Prefer people who smile more often, and who have a wider grin. Smiles or rather the lack of it is directly linked with divorce. This makes the task very easy for us. Just see their profile pics, and photos and see how often and how heartily they are smiling. Source - http://www.livescience.com/culture/090414-smile-marriage.html
- Assertiveness - The previous two cases were easy - black and white, maximize one, and minimize the other. Assertiveness, however, needs balance. Its hell to live with people who want their way. Every. Single. Time. On the other hand there are people who are too soft. Its easy being around them because you feel that you are the boss. But, the problem is they keep piling up all the crap you throw at them unawares (since they are too timid to point it out) and they feel victimized and in due time they reach a tipping point, and when you wake up one fine morning you find yourself being considered as a heartless bully. By the time the volcano erupts, its too late already. So save yourself some heart ache, walk in the middle on this one. All in all the goal here is to be a couple who tackle problems calmly - http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
- Shared Hobbies - Found someone who shares a hobby? Don't look further. Shared hobbies promote a sense of being a team, and you get spend more time together that's fun for both. Research shows that couples who tackle challenges together, tend to love each other more. The old tribe tendencies kick in - its you the couple together vs the problem/goal/whatever. (I'll update sources soon).
At the end of the day, as an old poet said,
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies,
When love is done.
- Francis_William_Bourdillon
